If Joan can do it, so can Anna

Do you wonder what she looks like un-photo shopped? We do.

Joan says we’ve been bad

It’s true, we’ve been bad little posters recently. Joan disapproves. To make it up to her, we’re reprinting an excerpt from her January 1995 Proustian interview in Vanity Fair. Learn from Joan, everyone…

Q What is your current state of mind?

J Sanguine and reasonably content

 

Q What is your idea of perfect happiness?

J Peace – being in my villa in the South of France with my favorite man

 

Q What is your greatest fear?

J The thought of being stuck in the elevator in the Beverly Center with everybody watching and no one to bring it down

 

Q What are your favorite names?

J Valentino, Karl, Christian, Donna

 

Q Which historical figure do you most identify with?

J Marie Antoinette

 

Q What is your greatest extravagance?

J Travel and lawyers. The former I adore, the latter unfortunately, seem to dog me

 

Q What do you consider the most over-rated virtue?

J Political Correctness

 

Q On What occasion do you lie?

J To get out of a boring dinner party

 

Q What is your favorite occupation?

J Watching a Billy Wilder movie while eating Belgian chocolates

 

Q What is your most marked characteristic?

J Unbridled energy

 

Q What do you most value in friends?

J Loyalty and humor

joan collins probably doesn’t wear white t-shirts

So she wouldn’t have encountered this problem. But I do. And my old white long sleeve t-shirt was getting pretty grimy. The small holes in the armpits had morphed into large, Balmain-like deconstructed segments. The ladies in yoga stared. It was time.

It’s been several years since I bought a new white long sleeve shirt, but it’s a white shirt so no problem, right? Oh how naive I was. I generally have three criteria for clothes: fabric, fit, flatter. Is it made of nice soft fabric, does it fit well and is it flattering. While I feel like those shouldn’t be terribly hard to satisfy, it seems like almost all new clothes out there are poorly sewn rayon/poly blend pieces designed for 12 year old boys. Or maybe that’s just me.

Enter Bloomingdales. I had something to return (a very interesting Christmas present), which netted me a whole $85 to spend. I’m thinking Oh, I could probably get two with this store credit. Score! HA! Nice try Merin.

First, I couldn’t find any white t-shirts. Sequin mini skirts abound. Not so much the basics. Finally, I find the trendy t-shirt section (in the back, shoved next to the denim). Now, had I been looking for a plunging neckline, cammo print thermal tee, I would have been in business. I can’t tell you how many bizarre t-shirts there were. And they were all priced well above $50 (even the ones on sale). Of six brands only three offered white t-shirts. Splendid had a strangely draped sort of faux cowl neck thing retailing for $98. I don’t love the knit of Three Dot, just too thick and rigid for me, particularly with a $55 price tag. Which left me with a $65 James Perse that had no obvious flaws. It was soft and fit well.

Would I have bought what is, in all fairness, a $35 shirt for $65 had I not had store credit? No. The whole episode leaves me wondering…what has happened to basics? You know, the things that people wear every day. Do you have a good source for $35 white t-shirts? (and don’t say Gap … the fit is terrible) Do people not want well-made, classic clothes at a decent price anymore?

Joan Collins has no comment

Some ideas are so bad, so terribly atrocious that they need to be shown on this blog. White lace bike shorts fall into that category. I can’t think of any appropriate place to wear white bike shorts, much less white lace bike shorts. The good folks at Shop Bop are usually on top of their look, but they scored a fail with this one…

Because I always wear my white lace bike shorts with combat boots. OH…and you know what else?

That sea foam green top (with fringe ???) goes SUPER well with my white lace bike shorts and combat boots!! It begs the question – where is this model going in her fringed, lace combat look? Any ideas?

WWJCD: Lady Nails

Holidays are hard on nails. How do I know? Well because I got a manicure on Sunday and it’s already chipped in places. Between traveling, cooking, wrapping presents and opening cardboard Amazon.com boxes, a girl can bust her nails. But you are also wearing all sorts of pretty dresses to holiday parties and you can’t just flounce around with Courtney Love nails. You need Joan Collins nails. Joan always, ALWAYS, has shiny, polished, perfect nails (and lots of diamonds). Why? Because she’s Joan Collins. Don’t ask stupid questions.

So what would Joan do? Well, she’d probably have the manicurist at Claridges visit her daily. But we tend to get manicures only whenever we feel so un-ladylike that we are finally willing to go to the sketchy nail place on the second floor above a restaurant and pay $25 to get our nails done. But we have discovered the holy grail of DIY nails. And her name is Sally.

Sally Hansen’s ‘complete salon manicure’ is amazingness in a bottle. No need to bottom or top coats. Just throw on two coats of this and go. My favorite is to layer a coat of ‘thinking of blue’ followed by ‘plum luck.’ All south of ten dollars. Check it out here. Joan approves. But she would choose red. Obvi.

Introducing… WWJCD

Once upon a time we were having coffee with the ever fabulous Linda Murray when we stumbled upon the topic of Joan Collins. And how she was an unappreciated style icon who is ageless and marries progressively younger (and maybe gayer) men. Which led us to introduce: WWJCD – What Would Joan Collins Do? When pondering the most difficult of fashion questions, we will ask ourselves what would Joan do?

WWJCD #1

Sketchers Shape-ups (wince) and Kim Kardashian collaboration: could we, would we ever wear these? Dear Joan, please guide us wisely…

Joan says no. Of course not. Don’t be silly and foolish. One must never wear hideous shoes no matter how appealing the celebrity endorser. If one would like to tone their legs, they should simply wear three inch heels with an animal print. Animal print signals youth, vitality and fitness, as everyone knows. Joan recommends these Issa pumps (and everyone knows that Issa is the favorite brand of the future Princess Kate of England and royalty/British accents are always in style).

Issa pumps – $160.00